What is love, loss & living?

Welcome to my very first blog posting! This is my personal story and journey through life while my husband went through an incredible journey of his own. My name is Janelle, my husband was named Andrew and we have two amazing kids - Abbey and Jacob. Andrew and I met in the year 2002 and were inseparable for the rest of his life. The moment I met him, I knew this was going to be a special relationship. I had the instant butterflies and sweaty palms with a shortness of breath the first time he flashed his smile at me. I was almost awe struck and I didn't have words, at least intelligent words, to say something back when he asked me a question. He seemed like the cool kid around work with a certain amount of confidence where he almost glided across the floor while he walked. I calmed my nerves and we ended up exchanging phone numbers and had our first date.

At this time we were both young and I was living in an apartment in Northwest Reno. He came by my apartment dressed in a nice collared blue shirt with khaki shorts, holding a bottle of chilled white wine. Do you think I was sophisticated enough to have a cork screw or fancy wine glasses to impress this new guy I liked? Nope. I rummaged through my half filled kitchen drawers and decided on a steak knife. Yep, a steak knife, that was likely dull, was going to open this bottle of wine. Andrew jabbed the knife into the cork and with some grunting and twisting of the knife, the cork flew out. That smile of his came out and he was so proud of himself. I had a choice between plastic or glass cups, so we decided on the glass ones with the ribbon swirl around the outside.

After a few sips of wine, we decided on going to dinner. The place for dinner was up to me. I felt so much pressure making this decision; do I pick something expensive, not expensive, fancy, not fancy? I had no idea what he liked or what he was expecting. I kept rubbing my hands on my legs to try and dry off how sweaty they were. I blurted out, "Fast food?" The look on his face said it all, and I quickly recovered and said, "Just kidding, I'm not serious." All I could think of at the moment, with all the food choices in Reno, was Outback. I thought it was a safe choice.

Once we were filled up with good food and drinks, we went to the GSR and walked around. We popped into a few bars but didn't stay out super late. He drove me back to my apartment and walked me to the door. He bent down, almost like he was doing a squat (since there was a large height difference between us) and gave me a huge hug. His strong arms wrapped around me with the perfect squeeze, felt so good. He was very polite and didn't try to make any extra moves. He said "goodnight" and flashed that smile of his that made his blue eyes sparkle. My knees turned weak and I opened the door and went inside. I did what I had seen in the movies, and put my back against the door and slid down until I was sitting on the cold, white tiles.

Fast forward 17 years, he still had that smile that made my heart melt and my knees turn wobbly. A smile that helped melt away my fears and made me feel like everything was going to be okay. The last few months before he died, I didn't get to see him smile as often, yet once in awhile he would laugh and it would bring back so many feelings and emotions. Love is an incredible feeling, a feeling that I hope every single person gets to enjoy. Loss is such an empty feeling that makes me feel so hopeless sometimes. Living is what I need to do, what I have to do for my kids, and it is what Andrew would expect. Love, loss & living is my story, our story, that I want to write about and share with the world. It is me trying to figure out our new normal after going through such an unimaginable loss. I am not an expert at anything, so my advice and stories are coming from just me. I hope to inspire others to better themselves at preparing for life's obstacles and yet to just be here for others who may have experienced the loss of a loved one. I am a widowed wife and mother trying to figure out life after the death of my husband.