It has now been six months since I last saw, touched, and kissed Andrew – my partner in crime, the father of our kids, my best friend. These six months have been long and torturous at times, yet I try to remind myself, that other people are going through way worse than what I am going through. Living, or just getting through one day after the next, is what we are doing. Living our lives with all the ups and downs, twists and turns, that life throws at us.
After going through so much these past few months, another twist was thrown at us, and at a time I was least expecting it. Hearing these words recently, “Janelle, we are concerned that the spots we found are cancerous.”
Eighteen months ago, I was having some pain on my right side of my chest. I could kind of feel a lump, but I was not sure. Andrew being a “caring” husband, thought that he should really have a feel to see if he felt anything. Well, he did feel a lump. I already had my yearly exam scheduled for a few days later so I made sure I said something to my doctor. She did not seem super concerned, yet she thought we should still have everything checked out to make sure. I got to enjoy my first mammogram when I was 37 years old. The results of the mammogram and ultrasound revealed that the pain I was having, and the lump Andrew felt, was a cyst. The results also showed some spots in my right breast which they said were calcifications. The doctor highly suggested that I come in every six months to have a mammogram to make sure these spots do not change.
So, I have been going in every six months for a diagnostic mammogram, which means more squishing – 22 pounds to be exact! It seriously feels like my nipple is going to explode and shoot off across the room. I had a mammogram done in January, right before Andrew died, and those results came back fine with no changes.
I recently went in for another mammogram since it was already time again. Yeah me. Once I am called back, I am handed a beautiful hospital gown to change into. After the painful squishing is over, they have me wait in a consultation room. I am sitting there half naked and the doctor walks in. He started talking about why I have been coming in every six months is to check to see if the spots have changed. He paused slightly and took a deep breath. I instantly got goosebumps up and down my arms and legs. The doctor started saying the spots have changed. Most of the spots had increased in size and there were a lot more. I instantly felt sick to my stomach and even though it was freezing in this little room, the palms of my hands starting sweating. I rubbed my hands on top of my legs trying to listen. The doctor continued saying that he wanted me to come back in a few days to have a biopsy to determine if these spots were cancerous.
I am trying so hard to hold back the tears and to pretend what he just said did not bother me. As he continues to say a few more things, I remember seeing his mouth moving and I could hear his voice, but all that I could think about was Andrew… The first time in the emergency room that we were told he had cancer, the time we were told the tumors had spread to his esophagus, when we were told that he would need a feeding tube, and when we were told he needed to go home to finish living the rest of what little life he had left.
As I was getting dressed inside the tiny changing room, I looked in the mirror on the wall and I said to myself, “What in the f&$% is happening?” “How can this be happening right now?” I walked out to the waiting room to wait for the scheduler to call out my name to schedule the biopsy. As I was sitting in the quiet room, pictures of the kids flashed through my brain. I could no longer pretend to be brave because all I could think about was the pain these poor kids were possibly going to be subjected to again. I look around for Kleenex but could not find any. I end up using my mask to soak up the tears running down my cheeks.
Finally, I got inside my car and the first person I wanted to call was Andrew. I pulled out my phone from my purse and I just stared at it. He would have been the first person I would have called, so who was I going to call first now? I wanted him so bad at this moment because I was scared. I needed and wanted him to tell me everything is going to be okay and that we will get through this together. I wanted one of his hugs and for him to kiss the top of my forehead. I grabbed hold of my necklace with his ashes inside and just held it tightly. I pulled myself together as I started making a few calls and dried my eyes before walking through our front door so Abbey and Jacob would not know I had been crying.
For four days, I kept this secret from the kids. I was afraid of hurting them yet again and so soon after Andrew’s journey. I debated repeatedly if saying something to them would be the right thing to do. I made the decision to tell them. I know some of you reading this will disagree with me and think it was not the right thing to do and that is fine. Please know that this was best for us and what we are going through. I was only able to get a few words out and Abbey ran out of the room crying and said, “Mom, don’t make me cry again.” Jacob’s first question was, “Who is going to look after us when you are gone?”
Abbey came back in the room and they both asked lots of questions. I told them everything. We had a very honest conversation. I told them if it is cancer, I already have a plan in place of the best doctors, the best hospitals, and possible treatment plans. I promised them both that I would never stop fighting and that I would do all I possibly could to be here with them for years to come. Jacob asked, “Mom, if you didn’t tell us, were you going to lie to us when you went in for the biopsy and pretend that you went to the grocery store or something?” I said, “Yep, I would have lied to you and I do not want to have that kind of relationship with you both. The three of us need to be here for each other and I hope we can be honest with one another.” Even though this was a tough conversation for all of us, it felt good to be honest. I did not have to think of lies and try to keep my stories straight. Abbey, who I think may be an attorney when she grows up, would have grilled me if anything I said did not make sense.
The night before my biopsy, the kids made brownies and drew a red heart made of frosting, on top of my piece. They both told me, “You can do it mom.” The kids let me know that whichever way the results came back, they knew I was going to be okay. They were not worried at all, but they did request that I wake them up in the morning before I left so they could give me a hug. Their courage and strength is truly amazing and I do not know how they are so strong after all they have been through.
The actual story of the biopsy is another blog post in itself where I can explain what the table looked like, how I felt like I was getting an oil change, and the sounds I heard and felt while the tool they used poked through my skin and tissue.
The day after the biopsy, I was waiting around for a phone call from the doctor. It was as if I was in high school again waiting for a cute guy to call me and each time the phone rang, I jumped, my heart started beating really fast, and I acted “cool” when I answered the phone. Finally, the doctor called and he said, “We have the results from your biopsy and they have come back negative.” I said, “Are you sure, you are positive?” This huge relief and weight rolled off my shoulders. I knew I would be crying whether the doctor said I had cancer or not, so as soon as I hung up the phone, I cried happy tears. I have not cried happy tears in a long time.
After Andrew died, I realized how precious life is and not to take life for granted. I still forget this important lesson at times because I get so involved with work, with chores around the house, and everything else that needs to be done. Since hearing that I might have cancer, sometimes I leave the dishes in the sink or I do not pick up the shoes off the floor, because at those moments, my kids need me more. My kids will not be this age ever again and they deserve to have me be present where we can spend quality time together making memories. The kids do not care how messy the house is or if the weeds have been pulled outside. Although, these things may drive me crazy, I need to think if these things are worth doing or if I should take some time and play games with the kids. Finding a balance is challenging at times, but I am beginning to choose to play games because hearing them laugh and giggle are so worth it.
Mammograms are definitely not fun, but please remember to check yourself on a regular basis. If something does not feel right, say something, and go to the doctor. Early detection of any kind of cancer is key to increasing your survival rate. Encourage those you know who maybe are putting off going because they do not have time or they are scared. Spread awareness because cancer does not discriminate; cancer can happen to anyone.
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