A Plan For Death

The rain was splattering against the car windshield slowly at first, and then faster as I was trying to adjust the windshield wipers to keep up so we could see the gravestones ahead of us. The air outside was cold and frosty and the sky was dark gray as the storm lurched closer. Andrew and I were driving around the cemetery trying to find a place where we would like to be buried once we die. Looking at burial sites was something I had never thought of doing before. Yet as Andrew’s cancer got worse and worse, I knew we needed to have a plan, and soon. We met with a lady who worked at the cemetery and we were looking through magazines of headstone options. Who knew there were so many options? The lady did not know Andrew was sick and she said, “You are both so young with so many years ahead of you. We have time to make these decisions.” However, Andrew and I knew we did not have time or years ahead of us. I looked at him and he looked at me and neither of us said anything to correct her. She handed us a white paper map of all the various places to be buried at their cemetery.

So, here we were, driving around trying to find our perfect resting spot. Andrew wanted us to buy a plot large enough for him and I to lay next to each other and to also have room for the kids when all of our time had come. I wanted room for a headstone for Andrew so on days when I knew I would miss him so much; I could wrap my arms around it and lay next to it if I wanted. I wanted something to touch. In finding our perfect spot, I wanted to make sure the sun would be shining on us and that there would be a nice tree nearby to provide visitors a little shade on those hot summer days. Andrew wanted to be able to hear the sound of the UNR cannon being fired every time the football team scored a touchdown or field goal. We had these ideas in our minds while driving the loop around the cemetery. We stopped and walked around a couple times trying to avoid the large raindrops falling upon us if we saw a place that looked promising. How do you ever really decide that this is where I want to be buried? How is any plot of grass ever going to be good enough to place your loved one in?

As Andrew and I drove away that day, we were both sad and numb to the idea of having to make a decision so big as this one. We were both slightly disappointed that we did not officially decide on a spot where we wanted to be buried. While I was driving, I kept trying to think of a place and suddenly an idea came to me. One of my favorite places is our backyard, especially in the summertime. I explained to Andrew that we could have a bench made and place it in a spot where he could sit and watch the kids play on the grass, hear the laughter from the swimming pool, and he could watch over the house. He really liked this idea. We knew this needed to be decided and decided quickly, but it was not the right time to make it official. Neither of us wanted to rush this decision and now it has become a decision that I need to make without Andrew here. There is a lot of pressure, trying to choose the perfect place to lay him to rest and for there to be room for the kids and myself as our times come. It has been almost a year since Andrew passed away and up until this point, I have not been ready to visit other cemeteries or go back to the one Andrew and I visited. In the spring or early summer, maybe I will be ready to give him an official resting place he deserves and a place where others can also visit him.

I was going through some things in my car the other day, and I came across a white piece of paper that was rolled up and placed in the center compartment in my car. I unrolled it to see what it was before I threw it away, and it was a map, a map of the cemetery. I sat there frozen, trying to hold back the tears. There were circles drawn on it of places that we liked, and Andrew had even put a star next to a couple of spots he liked the best. I could see the marks left behind from the raindrops that fell on the paper that day. Seeing this map brought back so many memories of us and I found myself wishing for just a couple more days together, even if it meant driving around a cemetery in the rain.

Unfortunately, that is not how life works and I do not have that control. I look at the bench in our backyard every day and I know he is there. He even played baseball with the kids on the grass a few weeks ago. I am thankful that we did have 17 years of our lives together filled with so many blessings and memories. We were lucky in that we had at least some time to plan the remainder of his life out once he was diagnosed. So many people do not get that chance and their lives end without notice, leaving so many unanswered questions.

Things like picking out a burial spot are things that need to be talked about because it is not fair to put all that pressure on your loved ones left behind after you die. Death is not a fun topic to talk about however it needs to be discussed. Andrew and I never really talked about anything related to death and we would always change the topic if something did come up. Once we were faced with making lots of decisions about death, we had to talk about it. If we had not planned so much of this out, the stress of trying to figure out what he would have wanted plus grieving the loss of him would have been so much worse.

My advice to you is to make sure your death is planned out. Spend the time and money to have a trust created, make sure you have life insurance and enough life insurance to help those you will leave behind. Express your final wishes as to where you want to be buried, if you have a specific plot picked out, and what kind of headstone you would like. Do you want to be cremated and have your ashes spread somewhere? All these questions would have been left unanswered for us if it was not for the help of some of our close friends and family who kept us on track with what needed to be done because we didn’t really know. Initially, we did not have a trust and we rushed trying to get papers signed in time before anything happened. These conversations are not easy to have, but they need to be had. Talk to your spouse, your parents, or your children and be the one to initiate these conversations if need be. Trust me, it is much easier to be prepared and have most of everything planned out instead of waiting until it is too late.